Rethinking Puberty — How to Make “The Talk” Less Awkward for Everyone
Rites of passage are a lot like doctor’s appointments. Some are more painful than others, but afterward you’re always glad they happened. Some of these monumental moments in our lives vary based on region, religion, culture and sex. For example, I’ve never met anyone who’s had both a bar mitzvah and a quinceañera. Other events are mostly universal, like taking your first steps, moving out of your parents’ house, your first broken heart, and of course that magically perfect 53 seconds of losing your virginity. However, listening to a parent awkwardly try to talk to you about puberty may very well be the most uncomfortable of all the major life events. At least until you’re old enough for your first scheduled visit to the proctologist.
Your parents probably suffered through a similar one-sided conversation with your grandparents, who based their approach on what they heard from your great-grandparents. You get the idea. If you don’t believe me, carve out some time next Thanksgiving to ask Grandpa to explain wet dreams to you as he methodically eats his second slice of pumpkin pie, or ask Grandma to recount what her first period was like as you all sit around playing dominos. Chances are good they’ll sputter and balk like a Looney Tunes jalopy before your mom leaves the room for more wine. Thanks to technology, however, talking to kids about puberty is easier than ever. I know, because I did it for many years while teaching fourth grade, and have compiled a list of strategies to help you break your family tradition of unpleasant conversations.
Find a tag team partner
The first thing to remember about teaching puberty is that you won’t do it well your first time. Like everything else, improvement comes with practice. In addition, it’s easier (and more fun) if you have another adult helping you, so recruit your partner, friend, or intern at work who’s always looking for learning opportunities. Having a tag team to talk about puberty helps avoid awkward silence when you’re flummoxed, and is especially beneficial if it creates a coed teaching approach. For example, I once had to call my then-girlfriend asking what it feels like when she has her period because my male co-teacher and I were obviously unable to answer our inquisitive student.
Spread out the information over several days
Another tip is to break up the learning into different sessions instead of trying to cram puberty, pregnancy and sex all into one conversation. As a fourth-grade teacher, I was prohibited from answering sex questions, which enabled me to focus solely on puberty and skip the question about whether or not girls masturbate (they do, and should). I recommend using typical body changes as a starting point and then letting your child’s questions dictate whether you include the birds and the bees, or save it for when he’s older. Spreading out the information over a few days will help him process the sheer magnitude of information while also giving him time to formulate follow-up questions like, “Why are women’s nipples so big?”
Don’t take yourself too seriously
I’m pretty good at keeping a straight face. For example, a student once asked how she would know she was finished with puberty, so I responded she’d receive a certificate in the mail congratulating her. I even managed not to laugh when a boy asked, “Do girls get hair on the parts where the penis would be if they had one?” With that said, I still struggled every year to keep it together while discussing nocturnal emissions. Regardless of your comedy skills, if you or your kid are about to crack up, take a giggle break! After all, the human body is pretty damn funny (and weird). Years later, she won’t remember much of the content from your talk, but will cherish the fond memory of you two rolling on the floor, crying from laughter.
Trust science
A furry dog is a lot cuter than a furry man, so use examples from the animal kingdom to create comfortable comparisons. Keeping your discussions founded on science and nature will enable your child to realize puberty isn’t some scary human mutation, but rather a part of life all creatures experience. Caterpillars turn into butterflies. Puppies grow to become dogs, and kittens turn into cunning killers that shit in a box and scratch up your furniture. You get the picture. In addition, use the scientific terms to make your kid smarter. This will also help him avoid the same confusion my friend experienced while frequently wondering how the bone in his “boner” extended and retracted like Wolverine’s claws. Yes, that friend was me.
The question box still works
Set aside a box or journal for your child to submit questions throughout the week, and leave it for at least another month to invite more wonderings that will continue the conversation. Yes, you live with your child and see her every day, but having the opportunity to write down her thoughts will ensure she captures the question if you’re not around. It’s also more difficult for some kids (and adults) to verbalize their curiosities about wet dreams and period blood, so give her the option to write if she prefers. A question box or notebook provides you the opportunity to preview the questions and answer them when you’re ready, i.e. after you’ve ascertained you know the answer. It also gives you time to laugh with your friends when you tell them your 9-year-old asked, “What comes out of a woman’s boobs before they have a baby?”
Use visuals
Remember that college professor who would lecture the entire class while you fervently took notes because there was no way you could retain even a fraction of all the information? Don’t be like that. Instead, find a helpful book at your local library or create a slide deck of images and key terms that will reinforce the content. Hop on your favorite search engine to begin creating the visual component of your puberty lessons. Diagrams are less intimidating than photos, so skip the nip and dick pics. She’ll get plenty of that in high school (sorry, it’s true). Encourage her to steer some of the discussion, as well, by prompting her to point out what she sees in each photo, what she thinks, and what she wonders. Teachers use these “visual thinking strategies” all the time to increase student engagement, so chances are good it’ll work for you, too. I don’t recommend doing this during her birthday party.
Avoid “alternative facts”
If you’re not sure how to answer a question, do the research. In a world where educators need to teach students how to spot fake news and disinformation, it’s not helpful when parents are feeding some of those mistruths to their kids. If your child asks a question you’re unable to answer, like why he’ll experience mood swings or what causes acne, simply say you’re not sure but will find out and follow up the next day. Then make sure you actually do it. We live in an age where any imaginable fact is accessible on the tiny computers in our pockets, so take a break from Animal Crossing and use your phone to do some research for your kid. You’ll both get a little smarter, and more importantly you’ll be modeling determination and persistence, lessons he’ll remember long after he’s completed puberty.
